Feeding frenzy

Uh, oh. Here they come. Better put on my game face.

MEDIA: Mr. Night Owl! Mr. Night Owl! Night Owl! Over here! Do you have time for a few questions? Just a few Mr. Owl.
ME: About what?
MEDIA: Manny Ramirez!
ME: Ah, geez. OK. Just a few.
MEDIA: How do you feel about his return to the Dodgers lineup tonight?
ME: I don't know. I like it?
MEDIA: But are you mad at him for what he did? Will you boo him when he comes up the plate?
ME: Um, no. I don't boo Dodgers. I'm not mad. I was mad. But, I don't know, uh ... hey, where's Erin Andrews?
MEDIA: What?
ME: Erin Andrews. She said she'd be here. She said she wanted to meet Night Owl.
MEDIA: Uh, she couldn't come. I think she had to cover the Shaq press conference.
ME: Her loss.
MEDIA: Since you're not mad anymore does that mean you condone what Manny Ramirez did?
ME: No, I don't condone it. I'm not even sure if I know what he did.
MEDIA: Do you feel as if Ramirez should explain what he did so you know?
ME: Yeah, sure. But he's not going to.
MEDIA: How do you think his teammates will react to him tonight?
ME: I don't know. I don't care.
MEDIA: You don't care?
ME: Right. I don't care. I don't think it has any bearing on the game. They're professionals. They'll either do well because they played well or they'll lose because they played lousy. The outcome won't be affected by how some teammates feel about what Manny might have done.
MEDIA: So you're welcoming him with open arms?
ME: Well, I wouldn't say that. The Dodgers could use his offense. He's a Hall of Fame player and any team would want him the lineup.
MEDIA: Are you saying he belongs in the Hall of Fame?
ME: Yeah, sure.
MEDIA: But what about the suspension? Should he go in the Hall of Fame after the suspension?
ME: I don't have a vote. I happen to believe players should go in the Hall based on their performance. And I still haven't heard anyone explain to me how many numbers a player produces through performance-enhancing drugs as opposed to not using performance-enhancing drugs. Now, if people think he violated some Hall rule, then it's their prerogative not to vote for him.
MEDIA: So you're saying that you approve of Ramirez's tactics?
ME: No! Listen, I am saying I want everyone to settle. You see those clowns over there with the blue-and-white pompons on their heads and the "Mannywood" signs? I don't agree with them. You see those other clowns with the "Hall of Shame" signs and those ready to boo his every move? I don't agree with them either. I'm in the middle. I'm saying taking PEDs is bad, an indicator of a character flaw. But I'm also saying it's an indicator of a flaw within organized baseball and a flaw within society.
MEDIA: But what about those people, who ...
ME: Really guys, that's it. I'm done taking questions. I want to see the game.
SUPER ANNOYING MEDIA MEMBER (WHO REALLY LOOKS LIKE SAM DONALDSON): MR. NIGHT OWL! Do you feel as if all of Manny Ramirez's accomplishments are tainted by his suspension for using a banned substance and will it mean as much to you if the Dodgers win the World Series based on what you know?
ME: No, and HECK, yeah! ... Good night guys. Enjoy the game. You do know there's a game going on tonight, don't you? See ya.

(5 minutes pass)

ERIN ANDREWS: (out of breath) Hey, I'm here. I took an earlier flight to get here in time. Where's Night Owl?
MEDIA: You missed him. He left.
ERIN ANDREWS: (*sob*)